I’m still tired. I’m tired with all these.
I’m tired with endlessly phoning people, and being told that
someone will phone me back, but no one does. I’m tired with phoning other
people who tell me I shouldn’t be speaking to them; I should be speaking to
another department. I’m tired with phoning another department to be told the
first department are the people who can provide the information, but no one’s
in the office right now. I’m tired with having to leave message after message.
I’m tired with no one giving me any information. I’m tired
with having to find out things from family, instead of the official people who
are actually making these decisions. I’m tired with everyone else knowing what’s
going on better than I do, and I’m finding out information second or third
hand. I’m tired with no one actually sitting me down and telling me what the
situation is.
I’m tired with being unable to not overhear phone
conversations that blame me. I’m tired with people subtly, and not so subtly,
saying this is my fault. I’m tired with being shouted at in the street. I’m
tired with getting phone calls when I’m doing the school run that make hot
tears run down my face. I’m tired with making appointments that other people
don’t show up to. I’m tired with making appointments that I have to sit in a
public place and wait for over an hour to be seen.
I’m tired with being told it is vitally important that I
arrange to see someone from a certain department, walking two miles in the rain
to keep our arranged appointment, and the first thing they say is ‘I’ve looked
at your file, and there’s no point you being here.’ I’m tired with having to
provide information. I’m tired with people saying ‘there are services available
to help you, you have been referred’, but then finding out my details have
mysteriously vanished. I’m tired with getting angry at people who are so incompetent
at their job, they’re actually dangerous.
I’m tired with feeling scared. I’m tired with feeling hurt.
I’m tired with feeling guilty. I’m tired with regret and remorse. I’m tired
with people behaving in ways that make things worse.
I’m tired with trying to protect The Blondies. I’m tired
with always having to keep a happy face in front of them. I’m tired of slipping
into the downstairs loo to cry for thirty seconds when everything overwhelms
me. I’m tired with waiting for them to go to sleep each night so I can lie in
bed and silently shake with tears, just like I’m doing now. I’m tired with
trying to find distractions so I don’t feel like I do. I’m tired with having no
money, and having to tell The Blondies I can’t afford things. I’m tired with
worrying about Christmas. I’m tired with the abyss that opens up within me when
The Blondies aren’t here, and the gnawing, aching fear that I carry then.
I’m tired with trying to explain, I’m tired with talking, I’m
tired with having no privacy, no secrets, nothing that’s mine anymore. I am
tired. I am tired with all of these.
7 comments:
Here's a hand to hold.
Please get in touch my lovely, I'm worried about you xx
Here's another hand to hold, with a hug. I don't know if there is anything I can do except offer a shoulder to cry on. I promise it won't include chocolate cake. Massive ((CW))
Thank you all, xx. I will be ok, because I have to be, but right now I'm struggling. In a godawful mess, and I'm the only one who can sort it out. I want to give up, but I can't. I'll be ok though.
Not sure what to say - but didn't want to read and run. Thinking of you.
It's not giving up if you let other people help. Just saying. Mega hugs here too, and a hand should you ever need one.
Also am the proud owner of a proper arse kicking foot should you ever need that, too ... much love xxx
What Julie said. Thinking of you X
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