Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Life with the edges taken off

That's what I want right now.

I've had enough, of the constant worry, the strain, taking it all myself because no one else knows or understands everything that's going on. I don't want to kill myself, but I just don't want to be anymore. I've got as far as googling 'painless suicide methods' which was a fat lot of help - the problem is that anyone who's achieved that hasn't exactly stuck around afterwards to tell us the optimum method of achieving that goal.

If the problem was with friends, family or myself, then I could do something about it, but the problem is caused by events completely beyond my control and there's nothing I can do, no way to stop it, and there's nothing anyone can do to help. If I was just doing a normal job then I could resign and look for something else, but when everything is tied up in this bloody fucking camp then there's nothing I can do. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to keep fighting all the time when all the fight's been knocked out of me. I know the CG may be coming in, but even if they do, there's no way it's going to happen any faster than it already is, and I need a way out now, today. It's not even as though I can come home and feel relaxed here because there's always a way for people to get to me - email, home phone, mobile, even coming round to the house.

I want to run away and just vanish but I can't because it would mean leaving the kids and I can't do that. They're all that's keeping me breathing right now. If it wasn't for William I'd have stopped all this years ago. He's everything to me and the thought of hurting or damaging him in some way is something I can't face. But then I think 'You're hurting him and damaging him anyway because of how you are, isn't it better to stop it now and know that he won't be under your influence any more? That maybe Adam will have a better life with someone else and so will the kids?'

I just can't keep going.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

At times it's scary just how accurate I can be.

Or you could say that I'm useless at keeping up to date and have proved it.

My bloggage tonight is about being pregnant and being hurt.

When I found I was pregnant with W, I was really worried about how my despicable sister-in-law would take it. She had announced constantly that she wanted kids, despite the fact that my brother didn't want kids. When I realised I was pregnant with W, I told my brother first, thinking this would spare E from an awkward situation. He told me that E was also pregnant - 4 weeks due ahead of me! I was so happy for her - I knew she was dying to be a mum, but was also aware that my brother was not keen on being a dad. He admitted that he was scared, felt unsure how happy to be for himself, but was delighted for me. When SIL talked to me she said that she was 'annoyed' I was pregnant at the same time as her, that she wished she'd announced the pregnancy earlier so she could have had more attention about hers and then... 'You haven't put on much weight being pregnant. I always thought you'd be the type of person to get really fat. Are you eating properly?'

Fast forward three years and I'm pregnant again. SIL makes no reference to me being pregnant for the entire duration. D is born in dramatic circumstances on the bathroom floor, and we are taken to hospital in an ambulance at 120mph. E tells anyone who will listen that babies are born all the time at home, and that a home birth is normal (although her son was born by elective c-section). A calls home to say we're all ok. E asks 'So who's looking after the boys this afternoon?' - less than ten hours after D's terrifying arrival. Despite her coming to the house every day for a week she doesn't see D. It's only when her own son drags her in that she meets her niece for the first time.

This woman is part of my family, I have to work with her. But I just don't know what to do with her. I feel like she's a poisonous gas, silently infiltrating everything and it's so hard to explain to people why she's so hurtful.