Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Life with the edges taken off

That's what I want right now.

I've had enough, of the constant worry, the strain, taking it all myself because no one else knows or understands everything that's going on. I don't want to kill myself, but I just don't want to be anymore. I've got as far as googling 'painless suicide methods' which was a fat lot of help - the problem is that anyone who's achieved that hasn't exactly stuck around afterwards to tell us the optimum method of achieving that goal.

If the problem was with friends, family or myself, then I could do something about it, but the problem is caused by events completely beyond my control and there's nothing I can do, no way to stop it, and there's nothing anyone can do to help. If I was just doing a normal job then I could resign and look for something else, but when everything is tied up in this bloody fucking camp then there's nothing I can do. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to keep fighting all the time when all the fight's been knocked out of me. I know the CG may be coming in, but even if they do, there's no way it's going to happen any faster than it already is, and I need a way out now, today. It's not even as though I can come home and feel relaxed here because there's always a way for people to get to me - email, home phone, mobile, even coming round to the house.

I want to run away and just vanish but I can't because it would mean leaving the kids and I can't do that. They're all that's keeping me breathing right now. If it wasn't for William I'd have stopped all this years ago. He's everything to me and the thought of hurting or damaging him in some way is something I can't face. But then I think 'You're hurting him and damaging him anyway because of how you are, isn't it better to stop it now and know that he won't be under your influence any more? That maybe Adam will have a better life with someone else and so will the kids?'

I just can't keep going.