I know you read this.
I know that, because as I’ve said before, blogs collect an awful lot of information about you when you visit them. So I see when you read it, what you’ve read, how long you spend reading it.
We’re not talking right now. No, that’s not true. We had a difficult series of exchanges, then we were keeping a wary distance from one another for a while, then you cracked, about thirty seconds before I did.
But now you’ve withdrawn totally. And I’m here to tell you I’m not putting up with that.
I’ve realised something about myself over the last few weeks. When bad stuff happens, I have a meltdown. I cry, I rant, I throw all sorts of unwise and untrue words up on here, I self-harm, I rage against the world. Then I have a few days of self-pity, before coming out the other side, stronger and more kickarse than I ever was before. If I have a few more really shit things happen to me, then I’ll probably develop a skin of stainless steel and never get damaged again. But it’s not like that for you, is it?
You internalise everything. I don’t know, can’t know, what’s going on in your head. But I do know, as an outsider, as someone who cares deeply about you, that your life right now seems to be an unrelenting, joyless and flattened way to exist. It’s not your fault. There’s just stuff going on that no one seems to want to confront or change. And that makes me angry. And I’m not putting up with that.
Because you’re better than that. You are one of the best people I have ever known. You are beautiful, gentle and true. You have so many friends who would be shocked to know what’s going on in your head, who would step in and help out in any way that they could, because you mean so much to them.
But I understand that you can’t right now, because of how small and helpless you feel. Reaching out is the last thing you feel capable of doing. But right now, I am kickarse. And I can’t stand by and see you sink. That’s what I accused you of doing, and you kind of did, but now I understand why. I thought you were feeling better than you are, so that’s why it hurt. I didn’t know what else you were struggling with when things went tits up between us.
So this is a warning. I am coming for you, I will chase you down, I will not let you escape my crosshairs. Because you mean so much to me, I will not stand by. I will do everything I can to help you and stop you feeling like this. You don’t deserve this, and you need someone to grab you by the elbows and pull you out of this pit. Luckily for you, I am in a Rocky state of mind, and I am coming after your (not as peachy as mine) arse. My feet are planted apart and pointing outwards. My fists are on my hips. So nur. I'm coming for you.