28th February 2016
That was a bit fucking weird, wasn’t it? One the one hand, we’re so used to each other that coming to your house tonight and having a drink whilst The Blondies farted and giggled around us seemed completely normal. On the other hand, we had That Conversation. Did I want to sit down with you one day, to discuss things, to talk about what happened between us? For both of us to ask one another all of the questions that have doubtless chased around your mind, just as they have done mine? Would it help?
I know that both of us have things we want to know, need to know. ‘Did you really say that? Why did you do that? Didn’t you think of that? Why did you… I felt like… That hurt the most… This is the thing that I can’t… Did you ever…’ Both we both know, and we both agreed that we’re beyond that point now. That it might have helped, once. But the two of us grubbing about in the ashes of something that once burnt so brightly and with such warmth won’t help either of us, not now. We’ve come a long way, and I don’t want our fragile fledgling friendship soured by what we both said and did, then. It might resolve past hurts, but it’s more likely to twist our futures in ways neither of us want. We’re better than that, even if you and I are no longer ‘we’.
I meant what I said about being friends. We don’t have to be, of course, but I like that we think we can be. Not just for The Blondies, but because of what we’ve shared. We’ve been through a fuck of a lot, not all of it great, admittedly. But I have no wish to whitewash my past, and a significant part of that past is you. And you’re no longer my future, but I hope you will at least be a part of it.
I am sorry, A. Sorrier than I can say that we hurt one another so badly, and the storm that followed caused so much pain for everyone around us. But we both know that we’re happier now, even allowing for the bad days, and the bumps in the road.
Be happy, A. That is all I ask of you. Just be happy, whatever it takes. You deserve to be happy, and I stopped being the person who made you happy. I have so many regrets; things I wish had turned out differently. But I do not regret you and I, not just because of The Blondies, but also because of the time we had together. So please, for me, as one last promise between us, I will promise to be happy as you asked, just as long as you are too.
And yes, that last sentence of the email I sent you – I do still, I always will.
PS I just wiped snot into my eye writing that last bit. Yup, still classy.