Thursday, 17 October 2013

I am

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am a writer.

       I am Lucy Benedict. I am 33. I am greeneyed and redhaired. I am living in Norwich. I am the mother of two beautiful children. I am the girlfriend of Alistair. I am living in a beautiful house.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am childlike. I am in possession of a fragile sense of wonder. I am able to see beauty all around. I am too easily caught by the fleeting moment.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am human.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am oversensitive. I am easily wounded. I am in possession of a skin too few.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am prone to comic exaggeration. I am able to find the humour in most situations. I am likely to expand upon tiny moments.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am fragile. I am vulnerable. I am already bruised.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am an atheist. I am cynical. I am sarcastic. I am snarky.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am capable of hurting people without ever intending to. I am too quick to reply with what I think is the right word, not the appropriate word.  I am hurtful.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am a bad mother, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend.  I am neglectful of my children. I am hurtful to friends. I am not aware of how lucky I am. I am unreliable.

      I am Lucy Benedict. I am lazy. I am ungrateful. I am unkind. I am a bad mother. I am not appreciative of how fortunate I am. I am a shameful mess.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am cruel. I am heartless. I am someone who should be ashamed of themselves. I am someone who can’t be liked very much.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am someone who lashes out.  I am someone who hurts the ones she loves best. I am someone you would be advised to avoid.

      I am Lucy Benedict. I am spending too long on twitter and ignoring my children. I am guilty of not caring for them. I am responsible for the bad thoughts people have about my children.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am a coward. I am someone who hurts the ones she loves best. I am nasty.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am guilty of writing too much. I am guilty of having my head turned by favourable remarks about my writing, that I care more about my words than I do about my children. I am placing too much importance on writing. I am the type of person who does nothing except that which pleases her.

      I am Lucy Benedict. I am apparently about caring more about people liking my words than I am about caring for my family.  I am a failure. I am someone who has failed at every single thing they ever attempted to achieve.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am still here, because I failed to kill myself. I am still in the grip of a massive depression. I am someone who has had suicidal thoughts for weeks. I am someone who can’t even manage to end their own life.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am someone whose only relief was to write. I am someone who has been told that I am an applause junkie. I am someone who has been told they neglect their children. I am someone who has been told they are lazy, ungrateful, boring, nasty, bitchy, unthinking, uncaring, a shit mum who doesn’t realise how lucky she is, who takes the piss, who makes members of her family not care about leaving the area. I am a crap mum.  That fucking stabs me through the heart. I know I am crap at the practical stuff. But I hoped I might have done my bit emotionally. I am someone who  has been told they have been stalked across twitter for months, taking the slightest few words as proof of me being as nasty, ungrateful, lazy, boring, bitchy and unkind as I am. I am someone who had to take this criticism to my face.

     I am Lucy Benedict. I am always believing the worst about myself. I am reeling from hearing all this from one friend, for confirming what I always believed about myself.  And now my dad phones and confirms it’s all true.
      I am Lucy Benedict. I am the person who had to absorb all this information. I was a writer. I was someone who was going to the Harper Collins Autumn Fete. I was a writer. I was going to Mumsnet BlogFest.

     I am no longer Lucy Benedict. I am no longer a writer. 


Meeshie said...

You are Lucy Benedict. You are human. You make mistakes.

You are Lucy Benedict. You love your children.

You are Lucy Benedict. You have a friend that is poisonous that you should remove from your life.

You are Lucy Benedict. You need help for your depression.

And none of that makes you worthless. None of it.

You are not worthless.

You should still go to Mumsnet. You should reach out. You should find others that have had the struggles you are going through. Maybe that will help, too.

Sam said...

You're making me cry! I don't know you at all but what I get from your writing is that you are a hyper-intelligent person, you suffer from depression, you are as prone to self-absorbption as the rest of us. If you didn't love your children and want the best for them you wouldn't bother mentioning them at all. And Meeshie is right, you need help and nothing you have said or done makes you in any way worthless. Even if you believe any of those things about yourself, you have the power to put it behind you. Remember the breastfeeding commentators? Obviously not every label someone else places on you is valid. And don't label yourself, you are capable of good things - don't let these harsh words change your plans or make you feel like ending it all. Look to those who love you - you need their support. X

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful mum, you have happy, intelligent children who are full of smiles and love.

You are a gifted writer, talented and insightful, intelligent and witty.

You must have some damned poisonous people around you who can say anything to the contrary. You need to ignore those people. They are beneath your contempt.

You do need help for the depression, your children and partner love and need you, you're meant to be here.

Don't shut down. Reach out to someone, anyone, but please ignore the haters. They have their own demons.

Never, ever stop writing.

LearnerMother said...

Oh Lucy, you are worth so much more than these whispering voices tell you, and you have much to be proud of. Rise above the small minded meanness and - please - keep on writing x x

Takingcontrol said...

Lucy - you have inspired me and I'm sure others feel the same. Listen to us! Many of us don't know you but you have touched us all in a wonderfully positive way.

Come back to us. Keep going.


Lottie Lomas said...

Lucy, these comments say it all and I have nothing more to add; only to reinforce the fact that you are a wonderful writer, and you have inspired me and a good many others to keep writing. You have such a warm and generous spirit.

We all want to come and give you a hug. Let us know you're ok please! xxx

Lucy Benedict said...

Feeling a little sheepish right now. The storm has passed and I am much, much better. Sorry you had to see my little freakout there...

But thank you, thank you all so much. You gave me something to cling to when I really needed it. New tablets are kicking in and I am doing so much better. It's hard to imagine how I could have been so low a week ago. I am bloodied, but unbowed.