Friday 19 April 2013

Ed Balls


This is part of a thread I started over on Mumsnet. You know, the one with biscuits. And the swearing. Have you been there? You should. It's brilliant. I have laughed more on there than at anything else in my life, ever. Yoni, cutted up pear, the poo troll, fucking class bear, husbands plastic vagina, the cake lady... just some of the threads that have made me ROAR laughing over the last few years. And not just the giggles. The woolly hugs, the support for the bereaved, those suffering from domestic violence, legal advice. All human life is there. Easting biscuits.I digress.I started this thread partly to seek reassurance that maybe other MNers had odd crushes. By the end, I was planning a new career as a writer of erotic political fan fiction.

Don't read on if you're eating. And even if you think you'll cope, I want to apologise in advance for making you read this.

This afternoon, out of nowhere, it occurred to me that, yes, I would do Ed Balls.

I would totally do Ed Balls.

I would totally do Ed Balls, and I bet it would be great.

I'm off now, to pour bleach into my ears and shake my head vigorously. Sorry.

At this point, a lot of other MNers were fairly horrified by my honesty. I felt the need to respond.
I wouldn't necessarily want to live with him. But I would totally do him. He has twinkly eyes. Can't beat a twinkle. It makes me think he would be filth. He would wear dark jersey boxer shorts. And probably be a bit grunty/sweaty in a manly type way.

A few people grudgingly admitted they would do Ed Balls too. And one or two other politicians. I mused on their choices.

See I think Boris would be quite amusing, but I bet he'd be very thrusty and come in about thirty seconds. I wouldn't do him.

And then this got posted:
Hassled Sun 14-Apr-13 20:23:54
brace yourself, because this might be more than you can cope with. He's better looking in RL. He is not a photogenic man. Whatever you're thinking, the reality is x10.

Hassled....Nooooooo!!!! You can't tell me that! I would really do him even more now. So Hassled... do you know him? Does he have any interest in say... twinkling at random women? It's not just me who would do him! Twinkliness and filth. Devastating combination. And he's a Norwich fan. I wonder if he'd like to 'represent my constituency'?

I had clearly struck a chord. Many posters appeared, confessing their parliamentary passions. And what had been a fairly lighthearted discussion took on quite a different shade.

Not David Miliband. I imagine he's quite needy.

Ed Balls wouldn't be. I would totally do him.
Ed Balls runs marathons! He would be more vigorous than I first thought
before googling him quite intensively tonight 

A few people gave their impression of Balls, and what he would be like in bed. I felt the need to defend him.
He would not be a feathery stroker or a BDSMer. He would be a beery, cheery, laughing type who would make you feel amazingly unselfconscious and giggly during sex, which is great. Uncomplicated. And twinkly.
He'd be lovely. A big manly thick arm wrapped around your boobs when you spoon after you've shagged. And when you turn to look at him, he'd be all smiley and twinkly eyes, pulling you closer, so you'd feel even more wriggly with lust.

At this point, more politicians began to be mentioned. And I discovered a hitherto unknown talent for knowing what they would be like as sexual partners. Slightly alarming, but also fun.

Ed Miliband would completely come in his pants. And gasp. And let you know that he had.

David M...I don't see as a feathery stroker. Just quite needy and not really sure what to do. Quite eager, but misinformed.

Gordon Brown... No, can't do it. Brain fails.

Tony Blair... I would like to think my brain fails, but it doesn't. He would be too eager to please, would use your name too much, and would talk ALL THE TIME. 'Do you like that? Oh, you do! You do like that! How about this? Do you like this? No? Not so much? Shall I do what I was doing before?' Not in a feathery stroker way, but in a 'Cosmo once said that men should talk to their partners, so here I am, putting that into action. I LISTEN to women, even when I'm talking so much they can't answer me.'

Ed B would get a bit merry, make you laugh, then have fun giggly sex. With lots of cuddles after. I so would.
 He's a proper bloke. You could talk to him about football, laugh, get a bit pissed, have fun sex, then tell him off when he squeezes your tits in a lovely way.

And then SinisterBuggyMonth got it so spot on I could have kissed her.

SinisterBuggyMonth Mon 15-Apr-13 22:15:19
He'd shag you, go out and change the oil and water into your car and the come back in and shag you again.

Now that is a woman who understands Balls.

Fuck Ed Balls! Sinister, that is exactly what he'd do! Then he'd drink a bit too much beer over dinner, read the kids their bedtime story with much giggling, doze off during Antiques Roadshow, then snuggle up to
your bum with a semiyou just as you're feeling sleepy and mumbly
so you can have lovely snuggly shag after rampantness of earlier that day

Oh god. Just read that he insisted his children take Cooper as their surname to avoid being bullied like he was. I would do him just for that. As it is, I would totally do him anyway, so he gets a bonus one thrown in.

Gordon Brown popped up in some of the posts again.

No. My brain just fails at the thought of Gordon. He is essentially asexual to me. I cannot picture him in any kind of sexy fun EVER. I know he must have done. But it's just not real to me. Even seeing him looking like Nick Drake doesn't work.

There's just something about the Ed. He's like a Real Man in a shiny world of spin. Doing Tony Blair makes me feel twitchy. He'd be too into whether or not you're enjoying it. Which would make you feel too self-conscious to enjoy it.

Someone who clearly wished to cause me mental anguish asked me what Danny Alexander would be like.

Oh Christ, Danny Alexander. That is brain bleach material. Deffo another one who would come in his pants and do a confused face at the point of orgasm. He would also place a pale sweaty hand on one breast (over clothes, obviously) and just leave it there like a slab of albino spam. Would also try to make a joke out of his prem jac by saying 'Ooh, Mummy!'. You'd laugh weakly, and think 'What the actual fuck?'

Another poster chipped in with an anecdote about Michael Portillo being a very intense presence in real life.

Oh yes, I can imagine Portillo donning a smoking jacket and making slightly unnerving comments to you as you sit in his panelled drawing room. You are at his house because your car broke down on a wooded country lane and you needed to use his phone. But the storm has knocked out his telephone line...

And then drjohnsonscat nearly broke my Balls filled brain with this:

drjohnsonscat Thu 18-Apr-13 21:08
Used to work for EB and never thought of him that way but will now give it a go, just so's I know what you're all on about. Nothing if not willing, me.

Yes. She was that causal about it.
DRJOHNSON You WHAT? I am frothing at the thought of working for Balls! Frothing!

A thought occurred to me. Balls is running the London Marathon this coming Sunday.

Is it wrong that I'm seriously considering getting up early on Sunday to see if he's featured on the coverage?
drjohnsonscat What was he liiike? Is he niiiice? Is he as beery and cheery as he appears?
Her reply didn't gladden my heart, sadly.
Not sure I could say he was lovely and twinkly. More driven and focused and very ambitious - but I think that's just going to fan your flames isn't it?
I was a little deflated. But wait! 'driven and focussed', eh? That could work... (Shut up. I was in the grip of a Balls compulsion and I wasn't going to free myself).
Now I see him as the type who would be quite harsh and aggressive when at work, but would remove this persona when off duty to be boozy and cheery.Look, here he is in the back of a taxi (no seatbelt, the rebel), taking you out for a surprise boozy lunch. He's going to shag the arse off you when he gets you home.

Ed Balls

So if you're out there, and you have a burning and urgent need to know what a politician would be like in bed, please do feel free to ask. I feel it would be wrong to deprive the world of my new and scarily accurate talent.


Anonymous said...

Ed Balls, with that beer gut of his, looks like the kind of bloke who couldn't be arsed and who'd want the bird to do all the work as he lay there. Sadly, I CAN imagine him with Yvette in that sort of connubial bliss. The one I have a hard time with (said the actress to the Bishop) is Tom Watson-- he was married and he is a father (presumably his own doing lacking evidence to the contrary)-- and yet, one despairs of being able to imagine an obese sweaty little Buddy Holly wannabe/Billy Bunter lookalike able to perform in that way.

Put Up With Rain said...

Ah, but the twinkle. The twinkle of Ed Balls means filth in my fevered little brain.

Christ on a bike, Tom Watson. Small penis. Prone to girlish giggles at inappropriate moments and would make squeaky little noises in time with his thrusts.

PocahontasMcGinty said...

I would do both the Eds.

My only quandary would be: which one to do first, and which one for afters?

I think it would be *fun* with Balls, but INTENSE with Miliband. You would start off after a bit of a laff but end up staring moodily into the distance all the time whilst doing Other Things, trying to contrive a way to DO IT AGAIN.

Then you'd probably get all drunk and moony and all your friends would dump you


Put Up With Rain said...

I just can't see Ed as moody and intense, other than his death ray panda eyes. I think it's probably because he's always been a politics nerd, so when other teenage boys were dousing themselves in Lynx and hoping to snog Debbie at the disco, he and David were upstairs in their bedroom, carefully adding two red pins to their home made wallchart of local councils.

But if you want, you can do Ed M first, and then to cheer you up afterwards, Ed B. It'd distract you from having no friends.

Anonymous said...

I had a bit of a crush on Danny Alexander for a while. But then I like uncomfortable, diffident guys who do exactly what I tell them.

This is why I'm persistently single.

Put Up With Rain said...

Slab of albino spam. Slab of albino spam. Slab of albino spam.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right. Plus, he works for the Coalition, so the only contact I'd want with his genitals would be to put an elastic band around them.

Young Gordon looks strangely like Neville Longbottom.

(Do Osborne. Go on.)

Put Up With Rain said...

I did a brief summary of Gideon on twitter earlier. I can expand a bit more here.

He would be pale, cold and clammy. Worryingly intense, he would stare at your face the whole time with absolutely no facial expression other than the habitual sneer. No position other than missionary, and he would grip your hands quite tightly throughout. Very fast thrustage. No sound. At the point of orgasm his body would stiffen like a corpse for at least one minute (still staring at you) and his face would go purple and appear as if he was swallowing his own tongue, silently. Then he'd briskly withdraw and go to the bathroom.

You'd realise when trying to get dressed afterwards that he had stolen your knickers. Which he would deny.

Anonymous said...

Do Nick Clegg please!

Put Up With Rain said...

I personally wouldn't do Nick Clegg. I'd do Ed Balls though...

Clegg used to be a feathery stroker until he met Miriam and she sorted him out. Unfortunately, the downturn in his political fortunes has been mirrored by a downturn in the bedroom. Now he sits on the edge of the bed, staring sadly at his groin as Miriam storms past him into the bathroom in a mega strop. Again.

Anonymous said...

I've met Gordon Brown and he is actually twinkly in real life. I met him when he was PM and he was big and powerful and twinkly. I'd do him.
Best blog post I've read this year.

Rebecca said...

Brilliant post. And I agree with lots of your assessments, though I reckon David Milliband might be a little more interesting than you think.

What about the PM then? (Ugh)

Put Up With Rain said...

Gordon is twinkly? Hmm...To be fair, Sarah Brown seems quite fun, and I imagine she wouldn't be interested in a brooding type.

Dave? He views sex as a duty, twice a week, and is quite brisk in his manner ahead of it because it is Not Something To Be Enjoyed, it is Something That Must Be Done: 'Sam, it's Tuesday.' No foreplay, and no hip action AT ALL, he instead bobs up and down using his entire body. No talking. No sounds. Always takes seven minutes exactly while SamCam lies underneath him, thinking about buckles on handbags.

(And thank you for comments - I'm a bit stunned by some of the responses I've had. Before this week I think I'd had about four pageviews. The power of Mumsnet!).

Mehitabel said...

My Gordon Brown obsession knows no bounds. He is just so, so intensely clever. And rumpled. If he frowned at me and said "prudence", in that deep growly Scottish way, I would not be held responsible for my actions. Sorry Sarah.

Put Up With Rain said...

Is the Gordy Bran thing a 'tortured soul' love? Because if it is, I can understand it.A teeny tiny little bit. I don't get it, but I understand it.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, what about Andy Burnham? He seems fun... (also, um, when I was younger I used to have a thing about Peter Mandelson, what would that be like?)

Anonymous said...

Lucy Benedict, you're my hero.

Put Up With Rain said...

I've only just been introduced to the pleasure of Andy Burnham. Not sure how he evaded my attention for so long. He'd be lovely. A little timid and hesitant at first, but once he got going he would take to it like a cat to sunlight, and would say lots of lovely things.

Mandelson. He would trick you into thinking he's a feathery stroker (something about the way he delicately brushes his hair away from his face with his forefinger). Then would reveal himself as Sexmeister General, with mildly pervy doings, self control of iron, and the rhythm of a metronome.

Unknown said...

Haha, this post has made my day thank you.
I'm going to throw in Jo Johnson, not because I fancy him but because I want to know if you think he'd be similar to Boris or not.

Anonymous said...

How about Jeremy Browne? I had an interview for a job with him once. Didn't fancy him particularly but when you do a google image search 'Jeremy Browne sexy' and 'Jeremy Browne shorts' come up, so someone obviously does!

Put Up With Rain said...

Jo Johnson... Has a thing about Nanny. Would do lots of talking in weird babyish voice 'I fink little JoJo want to make a snugglesome cuddle wiv oo'. Very much NOT like Boris.

Jeremy Browne. Incredibly intense. MINDBLOWINGLY intense physically, but you'd get the feeling it was more about him experimenting, than about enjoyment. You'd feel a bit taken advantage of afterwards. But would be gagging for more.

And once again, my internet search history is going to be *interesting*...

Anonymous said...

What about Nigel Farage? I cannot express how much I want to do Nigel Farage.

Put Up With Rain said...

I have TRIED to imagine Niggle Farridge, and it nearly broke me.

Very sloppy kisser. As in drool on the chin, and strings of saliva when you stop. Talks dirty, nonstop, calling you a bad girl. Surprisingly vanilla in the bedroom. But does like you to dress up in a maid outfit and wield a feather duster.

Anonymous said...

Vince Cable? John Bercow? Michael Gove? William Hague? Lynton Crosby?

Anonymous said...

Alex Salmond?

Unknown said...

Nigel Farage would have little deodorant crusts under his arm and in his pubes because he simply gets up and resprays over yesterdays.

Inside his Y fronts (baggy,curled elastic) would be fronds of baccy.

He doesn't wash under his foreskin. (Or he has had a terribly EURO-style circumcision and he's spent his life hating Europe and its circumcised metrosexuals ever since).

Farage would ask you to 'kiss the boy' and he's one of those men who puts his hand on the back of your head to encourage you down there. You however have caught sight of a rim of Euro-cheese and are now gagging.

Remember 'funky spunk' in SATC? That's our boy Nige.