Sunday, 3 May 2015

Splinters

So. It’s over. Nine years of doing a job I was patently unsuited for, a job that stretched me beyond endurance, a job that I took great pride in, even as it broke me. A job that took me to the point where I chose death over living. Then five years of struggle, and fighting, and arguing. And now it’s gone. All I can see from those five years is wreckage.

What do I have, from all those years? I’m unemployed. Unemployable. I have no skills, no talents, no experience I can transfer. I briefly entertained thoughts of being a writer. I wrote. Then I realised it was just another way of wasting my life. Blogging? All well and good. Doesn’t mean anything though. It’s not going to change my life, or yours, or theirs. It’s not going to earn me any respect, in fact, rather the opposite. I’m not going to win prizes, have doors opened, have people who value my words, my opinions, my rambling on about a load of bollocks.

I’m 35. I have nothing to offer. I can’t ever see myself in a position where I have anything to offer. Constantly comparing myself to those who are valued isn’t helpful. But that’s what’s going on. I’m not depressed, I’m just realistic.  I can spend whole days trying to help other people, offering my ideas, but in the end… What I say and do counts for nothing. Poor, obscure, plain, and little.

I thought I was clinging to the wreckage. But the wreckage was splinters.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Odd how you place so little value upon the things that you do - when others place so much value upon them. How your words help so many, but you don't see them as helping yourself.

Lucy Benedict said...

If anyone places value on things I say and do, then then more fool them. Look upon my works ye mighty... You'll see I 've fucked up everything I've ever been involved with.


Anonymous said...

If I were you I'd leave it to others to judge what you do. I know they will be kinder than yourself.

Anonymous said...

Listen to the voices of the anonymous friends who know you well enough to know you have so much more to offer than you realise right now.

And please don't give up on the writing or be so dismissive of your talent with words.

If you need to work - get a little part time work in a shop or café, somewhere you can watch people, get material, and use it.

Here endeth today's lecture xx

Lucy Benedict said...

Kind words, thank you. But they don't change anything. Just like mine.

Samantha P said...

You care too much and you have no self confidence. Fear of rejection, that your words will be rejected. Remember literary theory says that the written word is as much about the reader as it is about the writer. Don't underestimate the reader. And if they don't like it, f**k 'em! I'm one of your readers and I say you have talent - you don't have to agree but that's my reality. X