Friday, 28 November 2014

NOT Black Friday

     Oy! Are you feeling bit rubbish? Not really miserable or anything, just a bit flat, bit meh, can’t really be arsed? There’s stuff you should be doing, but uh, can’t be bothered…  It’ll get done, just not right now. Would you like me to help? I can, you know. I can provide you with the energy, the motivation, the zip, the pizzazz, the spark you are currently lacking. No, we are not going to the off licence, and no, I’m not proposing anything illegal either, so reel your thoughts back from there, you dirty, dirty child. Stand up.  That’s it. Ok, go. It’s time for


      Oh, you’re not sure about this, are you? Feeling a bit silly. Alright, I’ll be gentle. Let’s go up to your bedroom, NONOTLIKETHAT. Imagine you’ve just got out of the shower, and you’re getting dressed. Here:

     Hmm? It’s not too overwhelming, is it? It’s alright. On that first ‘Do it!’ I want you to point both forefingers and mouth along to the words. Uh-huh. Just like that. Shoulder shimmy, bit of hip action, now spin…. And get your neck moving from side to side, arms slinking, ooh, sax SOLO! Channel that John Travolta inside you! Woo! And you’re getting dressed in time to  the music, and doing a little tit shimmy forwards…and then the rhythm kicks in once more and you’re bossa novaing like a BOSS, dude! Check you out! Sax solo arms spread spin time! Yay! Shake that tailfather! Heading out the bedroom door with a spring in your step, your bum seemingly has a mind of it’s own in time to the music, arms are windmilling, you’re smiling, and it fades out, so you don’t need to end on a big  flourish or anything. Well done. Proud of you.

     Ok, feeling a bit more confident? Let’s try this one:

      It starts slowly, so you can skip the first bit, or do overemotional 80s air guitar. Your choice. And THEN, when it kicks in, you MUST do the 80s power walk (you know the one – strutting with shoulders jutting forward in time to the music). And brilliantly, with this one, you can sing along and enjoy the peculiar pleasure that is Phil Oakley straining to reach and hold the high notes (as the ever excellent Chiller said on twitter, it makes it sound like a dodgy X Factor cover version, when it is the original). You can also add the signature 80s ‘pulling it in’ move on those notes, whereby you raise your clenched fist above your head and slowly pull it down to your chest, to denote genuine emotional feelz. And then, AIR GUITAR SOLO! Go on, you know you want to. Bent knees, head thrown back, gimme some serious strumming action! And add in some Dad dancing ‘I’m shaking imaginary maracas’ wrist action. And fade

     Here’s a nice bouncy one to tell the world just how fucking marvellous you really are. If the other songs were a bit too funky for you, try this one:

      Yeah? You can do your best badass crap rap moves to it with weird finger and thumb pointy things, but the BEST bit is the chorus with ‘HO-OH? Say HO-WOAH, HO-WOAH!   EAT MY GOAL?’ call and response. If you’re not leaning back slightly, arms outstretched, wrists  bent back showing open palms, like a footballer inviting the crowd to celebrate his goalscoring genius in an attitude of ‘How fucking brilliant am I?’ ness, then I want to know the reason why. Yes? I’m waiting. Why aren’t you doing that thing I just told you to do? That’s better.

     Yeah, we’re doing alright, hey? Ok, I’m going to step it up a gear now. I think you’re ready. I have covered this one before, but it’s a good ‘getting ready to leave the house’ piece, and I think you’re ready to move on to more freestyling efforts. 

     It starts slower than you think, so you’ll probably want to kick things off with a funky walk, but once that choir and guitar kick in, along with the brass section, I’m expecting serious airpunching, spinning, and jazzy arm movements. Yes. That choir are singing for YOU. They’re telling you that YOU are getting stronger, that it won’t be long now, that YOU are flying high now. And yeah, those shouts of encouragement in that video are for YOU too. Get you, you fab downstairs dancer. And now, here’s the big crescendo, MAKE IT COUNT.

     OH YEAH. You are the showstopper. And now, the final grade. It’s kind of an abstract. You can’t really dance to it. But you can totally throw away all inhibitions, all the notions you have of not looking like an eejit, of any pretence of not just going completely batshit and not giving the tiniest toss what you look like. I’ve already kind of said what that songdoes to me before. But just go with it.

     Now try and tell me that you don’t feel better.

      Once you’ve cracked KITCHEN DISCO, you’ll find it a very pleasant friend in times of trouble. And, I hope, you’ll find your own KITCHEN DISCO playlist that works for you too. All suggestions welcomed. And look! Suddenly you’re no longer grey, dismal, and fed up, are you? You’re bouncy, joyful, pert and perky. I like it. It suits you. 

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