Monday, 16 September 2013

11 ways in which getting old is not so bad.

     Getting older is, once you're past your teenage years, always presented as a bad thing. 'I feel OLD' means I feel tired, past it, out of touch, dated, aching, no more fun anymore. Whilst that's certainly true for some, I think there are positives in growing old. Positives that maybe we sometimes overlook.

     Everyone you encounter will smilingly tell you 'You're looking well!' What they actually mean is 'You're looking well for your age'. Whatever. A compliment's a compliment and let's face it, at your age you're not going to get many more. Accept the compliment graciously, as it will happen increasingly often.

     As your natural hair colour fades away and is replaced by increasingly more salt than pepper shading, you instantly become easier to spot in a crowd of The Young People thanks to your silvery tresses. This is handy if you're winding up your children by deliberately wandering off in a vague and absentminded fashion during a trip to a busy public space.

     Alternatively, you can take the option of losing all your hair. Just think of all the time you'll save on not having to wash and style it each day! Not to mention the money saved on 'product' that your hairdresser bullies you into buying. Oh hang on! No need for humiliating expensive haircuts ever again! And if you do fancy having hair, there are some awesome wigs available on the internet.

     Your facial muscles will tauten and your eyelids will develop the ability to crack walnut. How? From the amount of squinting you'll do when trying to read something without your glasses on.

     So much modern music is frankly terrible. It's just noise. But soon you won't have to listen to it ever again. Because your hearing will fail. Yay!

     Your memory will cease to be the reliable old friend it's been for so long. Names, dates, events... Nup. All gone. Wiped from your mind. Turn this to your advantage by garnering a reputation for being a warm, loving person by calling everyone 'darling' and 'sweetheart' instead.

     Memory failure has another unexpected positive side. You will find the same jokes and anecdotes absolutely hilarious no matter how many times you hear them. Or how many times you regale friends and family with them. Again. And again. And again. See? Still funny! It's like the first time, every time. For you.

     Once you reach a certain age, you become invisible to certain sections of society. What a bonus! You'll no longer care what anyone thinks of you because no one ever pays you any attention – freedom from the disapproval of society! You can wear your slipper to the shops and not waste ten minutes every morning trying to find a matching pair of socks.

     If there are family members or friends you've never really liked, you can get your revenge by telling them, in excruciating detail, all about your health, whilst they squirm and try to arrange their face into relaying a suitable level of concern. If you want to mention syrup of figs or the benefits of prunes to particularly aggravating people, do so.

     You get congratulated simply for not dying. 'I'm 83 you know!' 'Wow! Well done!'

     Once you reach a certain age, people will be terrified of disagreeing with you in any way, in case you die immediately afterwards and everyone blames them for your death. So you can be as rude and unpleasant as you want, and be called 'cantankerous'. Rather than just a cun...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm impressed, I have to admit. Rarely do I encounter a blog
that's both educative and amusing, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on
the head. The problem is an issue that not enough people are speaking intelligently about.
I'm very happy I came across this during my hunt for something relating to this.

Here is my blog post yacon syrup side effects