The
Mulberry
28th
February 2016
Dear A,
That was a
bit fucking weird, wasn’t it? One the one hand, we’re so used to
each other that coming to your house tonight and having a drink
whilst The Blondies farted and giggled around us seemed completely
normal. On the other hand, we had That Conversation. Did I want to
sit down with you one day, to discuss things, to talk about what
happened between us? For both of us to ask one another all of the
questions that have doubtless chased around your mind, just as they
have done mine? Would it help?
I know that
both of us have things we want to know, need to know. ‘Did you
really say that? Why did you do that? Didn’t you think of that? Why
did you… I felt like… That hurt the most… This is the thing
that I can’t… Did you ever…’ Both we both know, and we both
agreed that we’re beyond that point now. That it might have helped,
once. But the two of us grubbing about in the ashes of something that
once burnt so brightly and with such warmth won’t help either of
us, not now. We’ve come a long way, and I don’t want our fragile
fledgling friendship soured by what we both said and did, then. It
might resolve past hurts, but it’s more likely to twist our futures
in ways neither of us want. We’re better than that, even if you and
I are no longer ‘we’.
I meant what I
said about being friends. We don’t have to be, of course, but I like that
we think we can be. Not just for The Blondies, but because of what
we’ve shared. We’ve been through a fuck of a lot, not all of it
great, admittedly. But I have no wish to whitewash my past, and a
significant part of that past is you. And you’re no longer my
future, but I hope you will at least be a part of it.
I am sorry, A.
Sorrier than I can say that we hurt one another so badly, and the
storm that followed caused so much pain for everyone around us. But
we both know that we’re happier now, even allowing for the bad
days, and the bumps in the road.
Be happy, A. That
is all I ask of you. Just be happy, whatever it takes. You deserve to
be happy, and I stopped being the person who made you happy. I have
so many regrets; things I wish had turned out differently. But I do
not regret you and I, not just because of The Blondies, but also
because of the time we had together. So please, for me, as one last
promise between us, I will promise to be happy as you asked, just as
long as you are too.
And yes, that last
sentence of the email I sent you – I do still, I always will.
Love,
Jx
PS I just wiped snot
into my eye writing that last bit. Yup, still classy.
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