Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. A full lifetime since I roared into the world, annoying the midwife in the process (I was a few
days overdue, the designated midwife went on her lunch break assuring Mum that
nothing was developing, only to find me, 11 minutes old when she returned at
two o’clock. It seems to me that I was a contrary bastard even before I was
born).
I never really look forward to my birthday. It’s in the
depths of winter, right before Christmas, everyone’s broke, busy, and beleaguered,
and it’s a pain in the arse going out anywhere because of the less than joyful
crowds. This year though looks like it’s shaping up to be even more of a belter
than usual, as I face up to life on my own. I’m not expecting any presents from
anyone, maybe a card or two, no plans with anyone over the age of ten, but even
the plans I thought I’d made to do stuff with The Blondies are unravelling a
bit because Dad’s quite ill in hospital, and we want to go in and visit him. So
I have been feeling a bit selfish and self-pitying.
But there’s something I have been given lately that might
just be the best present I could ever have received. And that’s you lot. ‘You
lot’ encompassing the people I know on twitter, facebook, people who read this,
even a few of you from that strange and confusing place known as Real Life.
You’ve been amazing, so many of you. The emails, messages, texts, comments… all
of it. You’ve kept me going on days when just getting The Blondies to school feels like it deserves an award ceremony. You’ve been there with me when I’ve
had to go out and kick serious civil servant arse. You’ve made me feel, at
times, invincible. You’ve brought me enormous comfort too.
And some of you have
gone above and beyond anything I feel I deserved. Some of you have made me laugh
with silliness. Some of you have been brilliant at distracting me. Some of you
have let me rant and rave and leave snot all over the bloody place. All of you
have played a part, in your own way. One of you has saved Christmas for The
Blondies. One of you just behaves normally, so I feel normal. One of you
genuinely saved my life one night, and that’s not something I would ever say
lightly.
I’ve been a bit rubbish at replying and letting people know
what’s going on and how I am. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate you, just
that sometimes it’s much easier for me to keep my head down and just power
through things to get to the other side. I fear that if I allow myself to stop
and think I will become overwhelmed. Thinking is when the time for doing is over.
There’s no time limit on thoughts.
But you lot, I wish I could thank you all individually. For
what you’ve all given me. You’ve made me realise I am stronger, tougher, braver
and more resilient than I knew. That is something for me to hold onto when the
darkness feels overwhelming. Because of you, I know I will be ok, because I
have to be. And I know it’s clichéd and naff and all the rest of it. But
knowing that you’re around… it is a gift, honestly. You’ve all, in your way,
given me what I needed. Time, and a place to be myself. Thank you.
Posts
